Life and Death

Please indulge me a bit as I share a bit from my heart today.

Music has always been an integral part of my life since my first cello lessons at age 14 which I paid for from my salary scooping ice cream at Baskin & Robbins back in the 1980s.  As a young man, I would often take flights of imagination with the poignant music of Edward Elgar (Enigma Variations “Nimrod”, Cello Concerto in E minor), and many other composers of the romantic era such as Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Dvorak, etc.

For the first three decades of my life, I was well aware of the fact that I’d lived a very charmed life–I hadn’t suffered at all, and though I didn’t come from a family of any wealth, I was very blessed and happy with the simplicity of it all. Beautiful music would always become the proverbial soundtrack to my life, at least in my fantasies of all I had yet to experience.

In order to perform on the cello with any depth of emotion, I would employ the same creative imagination I use in my writing to invent stories to go along with the music. For example, when I was about 17 years old and learning the Elgar Cello Concerto, I imagined the work as the life of a young man, told in retrospect. It covered the beauty of falling in love, loss of loved ones, and outrage at the horrors of war. These ideas fueled my performance, and while I was still growing technically, my teachers complimented the emotional, musical maturity with which I played.

Listening for hours on end, I found myself profoundly enjoying music that could bring a person to tears, if they would allowed it. I liked drawing on such feelings because in truth, I had never experienced any of it at the time.

Fast forward some thirty years, a few career changes, and losses of good friends and loved ones, and I find myself surprised that I cannot easily listen to some of the old favorites anymore without being completely overwhelmed. I end up stopping what I’m doing (writing) or shutting off the music.

It puzzled me until recently.

Then it dawned on me.  I’ve said good-bye to so many people in the past ten years (starting with my mother, who bravely battled ALS for several years before passing, to former mentors, the infant child of a church friend, a young man who was a friend of my family, and even good friends moving away.)

Too many good-byes.

In some ways, I have avoided overly emotional experiences, or at least have numbed myself to them when I couldn’t. To some extent, I think I’m still dealing with the losses.  Hopefully that means I really did and still do care.

Anyway, I now have my share of first hand life experiences of love, loss, life, and death and don’t need to imagine it as I once did.  Perhaps that’s why the experience of listening to poignant music is so different now, more real, closer to the heart than before.  It’s a raw place there, but I daresay its depths are greater than I have imagined.

I’m not completely avoiding poignant music. In fact, I’m finding myself listening again when I write. But now, the “stories” and feelings seem more real. I’m also drawn to true stories such as that of another musician, Paul Cardall, and his own struggles with life and death.  I would encourage you to read his blog post about his brother and listen to the performance below of a song which he covered called “Life and Death.”

What helps me get through these moments is to turn my thoughts to gratitude. Rather than focus on how sad I am that Mom passed away too young, I am so thankful that she loved us all so much and left a shining example of unconditional acceptance, affection and encouragement.  In many ways, she made me who I am.  And rather than think about all the people to whom I’ve had to say goodbye, I’m count myself blessed that I got the chance to befriend them and share my life with them.  Most importantly, I thank God for my beautiful wife and children, beloved brethren in Christ, friends, and fans who bless, encourage, and edify me through emails and messages about how my writing has touched them.

As you listen to “Life and Death” below, please do not be sad. Look to the blessings and gifts in your life.

And since it is Christmas time, allow me to share with you the very scriptures that tell of why Jesus (God’s gift to humanity) came to us:

 

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me,

for the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn…

…He will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.

…Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

Isaiah 61

Thank you for letting me share my heart today.  Amidst any heaviness in yours today, what are you thankful for? I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below.

Please read Paul Cardall’s blog post before watching this video.

Joshua Graham is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author, winner of the International Book Award and Forward National Literature Award. His thrillers include DARKROOM, LATENT IMAGE and BEYOND JUSTICE, and TERMINUS. Graham's works have been characterized as thought-provoking page-turners.

Legal Notice: All information on this website and blog are from Mr. Graham's personal experience and insight and should not be viewed in any way, directly or inferred, as qualified professional advice.

All creative writing on this website or Mr. Graham's books: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. (novels, short stories)